This is not a New Year’s resolution.

On being/becoming a writer.

Why program notes?

Why a Substack? Why now? Am I going to be embarrassed in a few years at what I’m about to publish on the internet? Will I be the laughingstock of any bored acquaintance that finds this? Is this an innovative new way to procrastinate? Did the synthetic testosterone in my system grant me the masculine audacity to crowd your inbox with my thoughts?

Maybe!

But I’m doing it anyway.

I’m a PhD candidate. I became ABD (All But Dissertation, meaning I have no other degree requirements left) earlier this year, and I’ll be on fellowship for the next several months. Having a candidacy fellowship of any length is a blessing; it is undisturbed, self-directed writing time without the distraction of classes, other work, children, royal duties, secret spy missions, etc. etc. You get the point. That kind of freedom—and the faith in me that it implies—is terrifying.

Over the past two years, I have learned to see fear as an old friend. Not the kind of old friend that knows me better than I know myself, but the kind of old friend who cares deeply for me, who was with me in some of my worst moments, but who no longer really knows me. Fear assumes that I cannot grow, cannot surprise myself. I did so many terrifying things in the past two years—I chopped my tits off and took my candidacy exams, for Pete's sake. I was scared shitless (titless?) when these were unrealized possibilities. As soon as the things I was scared of actually happened, I wondered what exactly I had been afraid of—in hindsight, I was clearly capable.

Calling myself a “writer” also terrifies me, much more so than the other high-falutin’ things I call myself like a musicologist, critic, or historian. I don't know when I'll feel qualified to claim that I am a writer, but with my fellowship looming, I've decided to fake it until I make it. I am writing program notes to remind myself that not only am I capable of writing, even when it's scary, but also that I enjoy doing it.

program notes is not a new year’s resolution; it is an old year’s lesson. It is my attempt to believe in myself without waiting for hindsight’s proof.

What is program notes?

This newsletter is a way for me to think in community with others about the topics that make my mental gears whir. I research queerness, gender, sexuality, and race in American twentieth and twenty-first century musicals, so you can expect to hear me yap about those topics.

That being said, program notes is pointedly NOT my dissertation, so it won't be strictly “academic” writing. I'll share musings, reflections, rants, updates, reviews, and whatever else strikes my fancy. I'd love to have you along for the ride, and I'd love to hear from you in response as I go.

Thanks for reading, and happy new year! Here’s to facing fears in 2025.